I never understood..

I never understood how much I hurt you.
I never understood how much you loved me.
I never understood how destructive I was...angry...jaded...hateful...pessimistic...wrong.

You found a way to show me exactly how much I hurt you and now that I understand, all I can feel is your pain. My defenses have fallen away. My pride has disappeared. The anger is gone - I can't hold it or pretend to be justified with this new understanding of your pain. I can't explain how I've come to understand this except through God. Only He knew that I would now be at this point in my life and be capable of understanding your side of our past. He led me through my pride issues. He taught me what real love is. He is holding my hand as I experience this situation of the past merging with the present. I never could have gotten here on my own. Although it will never be enough, I'm so sorry that I broke your heart.

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Wait...they don't love you like I love you..

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Walking contradiction..
Most girls get bitten by the love bug and it's all downhill. Butterflies, roses, her last name + his last name, hours on the phone, blah, blah, blah.
Not me..I get bitten, but not by the love bug. By the loneliness bug. It's cyclical..every once in a while someone says something or I experience some failed connection with a man and it all goes downhill. It's always a culmination of things. This time was a regret-filled failed interaction with someone who didn't even deserve my time in the first place. Such a pleaser...always looking for approval, silly girl. The aftermath is this awkward space of anger as a result of my rejection with a side of spite. Okay, a extra value meal upgrade of spite (not Sprite). Given enough time, everyone shows you their true colors. This person's true color happens to be shit..lesson learned.
My mom also called the other day talking about how all of her friends are becoming grandmothers. The conversations was peppered with phrases like "you still have lots of time" and "I keep praying so God will send you someone" or my favorite, "you can always adopt like Angelina Jolie." Sigh. Yeah.

Like sunlight off of the water

Strange how different my life was exactly one month ago...or even 2 months ago. Some days it feels as though time passes so slowly, but I always seem to find myself at these points of reflection. It's like standing in the very last subway car and looking out the window at the train station you are pulling away from. Life moves so quickly away from the past, but somehow the past still lingers...or holds on..or stretches...or something.
At this moment, I feel that struggles over the last few months have resulted in what I can only deem God-given clarity. Literally: God has shown me things in a perspective that I never would have deduced on my own. As my life has changed and continued to rotate, there are so many new and amazing people in it. So many new experiences and strangers who don't feel strange to me. Even the people who have traveled along with me out of the grip of the past are somehow new also.
I can remember feeling so rushed a month ago..in such a hurry for huge commitments and international moves and connection and closeness and now...I'm not in a rush. I feel like my life is in a tube on a slow moving river. The water is warm, the sun's not too hot and I'm enjoying a beer. For the first time I can remember, I want to revel in this time. This time of being an adult and understanding my limits and accepting that although where I am is different than where I should be, I am still happy. My biological clock has quieted down and there is no desperation to be Mrs. Someone's Wife and the mother of xx children.
I think the trade-off of being able to pick up and travel throughout Europe is more fulfilling than a supernatural bond I could have with someone who came from me. Experiences are ruling out over responsibility. I am so selfish in this time...and I think that's okay <3

5:21am

It's a strange day when you wake up from a dream about stabbing zombies in the head with a pair of garden shears. Feeling yourself slowly wake to the feeling that some crazy shit is just about to pop off. Just a dream...just a dream. Green skin and metal pieces pulled out of zombie brains. That stuff keeps you from getting back to sleep for sure. Good morning apprehension.

Then there's real life where people build an invisible wall between themselves and you because...I don't know why. Let me list the assumptions that rumble around in my head:
I'm not livin' right
I am not willing to listen to a message from God through them
I have a weakness for attention from guys (Really? What girl doesn't appreciate attention from guys...but a weakness? I don't think so.)
They can't talk to me because I get upset (I'm sorry that I don't just take your judgment as fact. I don't need that negativity in my life...thanks.)

Never thought it would be like this, but it is what it is. Friendship shouldn't be conditional - if you're my friend, then you'll do what I tell you to. Sorry..that's not how grown folks do things. If we're supposed to be like family, then it makes sense you would treat me this way. Given enough time everyone shows you their truth. If you know me, you know I'm not afraid of confrontation...and I feel some coming. This time all I'm afraid of is that I let the wrong people in.

Dear God

Not really sure what’s going on lately. I’m confused about you some days. I want to rebel, but I know that I’m already in too deep with obedience in this month-long assignment to turn back, so I push on. I change my way and resist the temptation of the patterns I used to use to make myself feel good, but all I feel is guilt and your disappointment over the few small things I didn’t do, rather than pride in overcoming the difficult battles. Am I wrong? Are my thoughts that bad? What is the point in resisting real temptation when I feel that I let you down by having tempted thoughts? I’m only human – is that not an excuse anymore? I just want to live for you and follow you, but I don’t hear you. I feel like you demand perfection when your Word says that you know I will fail and all I have to do is ask for forgiveness. I have asked, so why do I feel like I have a heart made of stone? I can tell I’ve made changes, but it feels like it’s just not enough for you. Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what you want me to do…you know I’ll do it! I feel distant from you and angry about it. I feel like I have in all my other relationships..I feel like I gave you my all and now you’re nowhere to be found or heard from. I know this isn’t the lesson you wanted to teach me, so what is? I don’t understand you, but I feel like it’s my fault. I didn’t ever think that it would come full circle with you. You were supposed to be different…not give me reminders of all the people who failed me. Not remind me of all the people who you are meant to replace for support. How do I lean on something I can’t feel right now?

Can I really change?

Struggling

This has been a weird week. You were the only one I wanted to talk to/hear from/connect with, but for some reason all these other guys came out of nowhere trying to get my attention. It's been rough these past 2 days. I feel good for the most part, but then one small thing happens and it rocks me. I lose that positive high and doubt creeps in. I pray on it..I talk to my other Christian friends, but that "blah" feeling keeps coming back. I know I'm a focal point for attack with the baptism coming up tomorrow evening; I guess I just wasn't expecting it. I feel far from God at times, but I don't think that's really the case. Maybe my perception is being clouded, but knowing that doesn't change the feeling of lonliness that creeps in sometimes. I know that these doubts and sad feelings are all a desperate attempt to get me away from God and that nothing can remove me from Him...I guess I could just use a little support from my Christian friend right now. I miss you.

Lost at sea

Sometimes I wonder if I've made mistakes. Was my life supposed to turn out like this? Did I miss a turn somewhere? I try to stay optimistic, but some days I'm just not. I used to feel like I have so much time ahead of me, but now it feels more like it's all slipped past. I feel sad like I've lost something that can never be replaced. Some days, this life is so uncertain. Where I am doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be.
I try to fill my days with excitement of some kind..planning trips, hanging out with people, getting outside my comfort zone and doing the things I've always been too scared to do. So, why do I feel sad? There is a longing in my heart for someone I haven't found yet. Are you out there? Can you hear me? Some days it feels like I'll never find you and it breaks my heart a little bit. I pray for you alot. I ask God to send you to me and I tell Him that I don't know how long I can wait. Honestly though, waiting is all I can do. Of all the men I have had in my life, I still haven't met you. I hope you'll find me one day...

Electric

I'm getting really overwhelmed by you. Sometimes I think about you and there is this rush of intensity. The things you say tumble through my mind over and over again. Right now I'm glad that we are so far apart...I feel like if you were too close, we would just collide and ignite. I'm always anxious to hear from you...will you flirt with me? Will you share more of yourself with me? Will you respond to my flirting?
I want to take things slow and work on being friends...I guess it's a good thing we have so much time and distance between us. Am I just imaging all this passion that could exist between us..is it just building up in my mind? I just can't stop thinking about you lately. I need to slow myself down. What if you aren't able to get closer to me than you are now? What if you end up farther away? I just can't deal with the distance - it's too difficult for me.
I guess there's no reason for all the questions. It is what it is...and I'm happy for that. But, I do have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

Dreams Dreams Dreams

I had 2 really weird dreams this morning. The first one woke me up at 7am...along with the sun peeking through my rolladens. It was about vampires I think...and TJ Thyne was one and he was trying to kill me in this dream. He's the actor from the show Bones with the really curly hair and he analyzes dirt and particulates. Anyway. The part I remember the most is that I was in some abandoned high rise building and I was trying to get out of it so I thought that I would take the fire exit and just hurry my way down a billion flights of stairs. I know in the movies they always seem to go up instead of down, but that totally didn't make sense to me in the dream. So I go out in the fire exit and I look down and vampire TJ is there listening. You know when you can tell someone is just listening to what's going on around them. They don't move their head or body very much and there head is kind of cocked so that their dominant ear is kind of sticking out. I remember his hair was short but all crazy and disheveled. I looked kind of dirty too and when he heard me and looked up his face was all dirty too. He didn't look all movie vampire; his face didn't distort into some scary monster face and his eyes didn't change color, but he did have the fangs and he made some weird hissing growling noise.
So then I freak out and run back in the door. I notice it has a deadbolt so I figure I'll try to use it to buy myself a little time, but I can't get the door shut all the way. I keep pulling it closed and turning the lock but all 3 times the doors not fully closed. I keep testing it by pushing it open and realizing that I didn't close it hard enough.
There's a little glass window near the top of the door and I can see him coming up the stairs so I just decide "Screw it..my ass is out of here!" I turn around and I see a very pale and large woman with red hair in front of me. She kind of has a barrel chest and is wearing some kind of wine/burgundy color velvet dress with other lace and sparkly stuff on it. I remember she had very small facial features too. I, personally, don't know who she was, but dream me was super relieved. She looked kind of upset when she saw me, but I just cried and she opened her arms to hug me and then hid me behind he and the door opened. I don't remember anything else, but I was kinda shaken when I woke up. Times like this living alone kinda sucks.
The second dream I had started out in my apartment, except for instead of it being on the ground level, it was in some high rise. I remember going to the window...it was small like the kitchen window, but I wasn't in the kitchen..or maybe I was in my bedroom, I don't know. So, I look out the window and all I see is snow and trees lining the back yard, except the snow is all the way up the trees to the point that I can only see branches sprouting out. I can't believe that this much snow happenened!! What about the people on the lower floors, is everyone okay, what the hell is going on?!
I go to leave and then when I enter the living room, I realize this isn't even my apartment and I don't really know how I got here. I wander around and find Nathaniel (a guy I work with) and he's working on something metal..probably a computer part or something. He's sitting on a bar stool kind of chair and has his foot up on this counter/bench. He doesn't say anything when I walk in so I figure I'm supposed to be there. Then some people come through the front door and it's my friends John & Julia. They are kind of frantic and are gathering up parts and metal pieces and talking to Nathaniel about repairs and stuff and then Lindsay (Nathaniel's wife) comes in and just listens. When John & Julia start to leave, Lindsay leaves too and goes into an apartment across the hall and closes the door. As much as I can figure (now or during the dream) is that Lindsay was watching hers and John & Julia's baby and that I was supposed to be working on repairing stuff with Nathaniel. I go back into the bedroom to see how the snow is and a bunch of tree branches have been piled on top of snow and it's melting..kind of wierd. I don't remember anything else about this dream so I'm not sure if the next dream was separate, or if this dream flowed into the next.
I was in a great big hall and there were all these beds set up with book cases organized so that they kind of separated the beds. On the far right there was a huge dining table with silverware and glasses all set up for a formal dinner. I remember the hall had a soft yellow/cream glow to it and the ceilings were very high and at some points kind of rounded like there were small caps on the outside of the roof. The book cases were very dark wood and there was a burgundy colored cloth there...maybe the curtains or the bedding. I think there were nurses there wearing traditional nurse dresses and the little hats and white shoes with big soles. I was there in my uniform for some reason and I went over to one of the beds. I think it was my great Grandma Betty. She had a handkerchief over her hair or a very tight skull cap on that was light blue or white. She looked different...almost like Mother Teresa in a way, but I felt like it was her. I kept asking her if she wanted me to bring things from home and in a very roundabout way she told me that she didn't have a home/wasn't going home because she was going to die soon. She told me all this while we were both kneeling on the floor on opposites sides of her bed. It had that blue blanket that is kind of a cottony-wool that gets all those fuzzballs all over it when you wash it. It has the satin trim at the top of the blanket. After she told me this, she got up on the bed and we laid next to each other and I held her so that her head was on my shoulder. I asked her if she was okay or scared to die, but she was just sad. Then a bell rang and I got up. I went over to the dinner table to get a tray to put the plates, glass and silverware on. I took the tray over to her bookcase and set it there untilt he food came. As I put the tray down I hear yelling behind me. I turn around and it's someone else..I can't remember if she looks the same, but the person/spirit/whatever is totally different and I know just who it is...my mom. She yelling about how I put the tray in the wrong place or that she doesn't want to eat what they're serving or some kind of complaining. Then my alarm goes off.
I know...wierd, huh?

Past genetic life

In the hole of my despair I came to understand this dark shadow over me. Mine has been an easy life..this tragedy and pain I have felt is an inheritance of a very difficult life before mine.

Being Alright

It's been a long time since I've lived alone. It's kind of weird. I enjoy my quiet time, but I'm not yet at that point where I can really sit with the quiet. Just not feeling that brave yet. I've always got the TV on. I've been painting alot. Some things unplanned, some things thought out. Learning new techniques and mixing my own colors..it's been fun.
I often wonder how long it will take me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have come to accept alot of hard things about my life. I'm not where I thought I would be at almost 30, but if someone were to ask me where I wanted to be if I could change things, I'm not sure where that would be. Some days I envy women with children and happy marriages and other days I don't understand marriage at all. Despite being married once before, I really feel like I don't understand marriage at all. How does one logically figure out who they want to be married to? I'm a heart over mind person...and my heart gets attached easily. I have a friend who is really into astrology, like me, and she used to tease me and call me her "little Cancer". She would tease me about becoming so easily attached to people and things. She would hold up an inanimate object and say "Oh telephone, I love you...don't ever leave me!" We would laugh, but yeah...that's me :)
I dunno..too much thinking maybe. One day at a time, that's all I can do towards being alright.

How did I get here?

The worst kind of lost is when you think you know where you're going only to realize that you have been lost for the last 6 turns you've made. Now you can't remember which direction you were turning so how do you find your way back?

Unreachable
-John Frusciante

Are we down for the same cause?
We don't know what we stand for
With the moment start to crack
You do lose track where your head's at
And I am unreachable
Do you think when your head's full?
We don't rely on what we get
We begin now where we aren't yet
Ay!
One time, hit me where I turn wide
I don't mean to be polite
Uniform
Spinning the world to the beat of my drum
Uniform
One time, hit me where I turn wide
I don't mean to be polite
Uniform
Spinning the world to the beat of my drum
Uniform
Reach into the darkness for what you can find
Travel great distance in your mind
The world gets stronger as you start trying things
Turn around towards being born, away from dying
I've run out again on this, the one on my side
We to disappear, well, I know I've tried
You know we've tried, you know we've tried
Hey, too bad
Hey, too bad
Too bad, too bad
Hey...Ohhhh