Wait...they don't love you like I love you..

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Walking contradiction..
Most girls get bitten by the love bug and it's all downhill. Butterflies, roses, her last name + his last name, hours on the phone, blah, blah, blah.
Not me..I get bitten, but not by the love bug. By the loneliness bug. It's cyclical..every once in a while someone says something or I experience some failed connection with a man and it all goes downhill. It's always a culmination of things. This time was a regret-filled failed interaction with someone who didn't even deserve my time in the first place. Such a pleaser...always looking for approval, silly girl. The aftermath is this awkward space of anger as a result of my rejection with a side of spite. Okay, a extra value meal upgrade of spite (not Sprite). Given enough time, everyone shows you their true colors. This person's true color happens to be shit..lesson learned.
My mom also called the other day talking about how all of her friends are becoming grandmothers. The conversations was peppered with phrases like "you still have lots of time" and "I keep praying so God will send you someone" or my favorite, "you can always adopt like Angelina Jolie." Sigh. Yeah.

Can I really change?

Lost at sea

Sometimes I wonder if I've made mistakes. Was my life supposed to turn out like this? Did I miss a turn somewhere? I try to stay optimistic, but some days I'm just not. I used to feel like I have so much time ahead of me, but now it feels more like it's all slipped past. I feel sad like I've lost something that can never be replaced. Some days, this life is so uncertain. Where I am doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be.
I try to fill my days with excitement of some kind..planning trips, hanging out with people, getting outside my comfort zone and doing the things I've always been too scared to do. So, why do I feel sad? There is a longing in my heart for someone I haven't found yet. Are you out there? Can you hear me? Some days it feels like I'll never find you and it breaks my heart a little bit. I pray for you alot. I ask God to send you to me and I tell Him that I don't know how long I can wait. Honestly though, waiting is all I can do. Of all the men I have had in my life, I still haven't met you. I hope you'll find me one day...