I never understood..

I never understood how much I hurt you.
I never understood how much you loved me.
I never understood how destructive I was...angry...jaded...hateful...pessimistic...wrong.

You found a way to show me exactly how much I hurt you and now that I understand, all I can feel is your pain. My defenses have fallen away. My pride has disappeared. The anger is gone - I can't hold it or pretend to be justified with this new understanding of your pain. I can't explain how I've come to understand this except through God. Only He knew that I would now be at this point in my life and be capable of understanding your side of our past. He led me through my pride issues. He taught me what real love is. He is holding my hand as I experience this situation of the past merging with the present. I never could have gotten here on my own. Although it will never be enough, I'm so sorry that I broke your heart.

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Wait...they don't love you like I love you..

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Walking contradiction..
Most girls get bitten by the love bug and it's all downhill. Butterflies, roses, her last name + his last name, hours on the phone, blah, blah, blah.
Not me..I get bitten, but not by the love bug. By the loneliness bug. It's cyclical..every once in a while someone says something or I experience some failed connection with a man and it all goes downhill. It's always a culmination of things. This time was a regret-filled failed interaction with someone who didn't even deserve my time in the first place. Such a pleaser...always looking for approval, silly girl. The aftermath is this awkward space of anger as a result of my rejection with a side of spite. Okay, a extra value meal upgrade of spite (not Sprite). Given enough time, everyone shows you their true colors. This person's true color happens to be shit..lesson learned.
My mom also called the other day talking about how all of her friends are becoming grandmothers. The conversations was peppered with phrases like "you still have lots of time" and "I keep praying so God will send you someone" or my favorite, "you can always adopt like Angelina Jolie." Sigh. Yeah.

Like sunlight off of the water

Strange how different my life was exactly one month ago...or even 2 months ago. Some days it feels as though time passes so slowly, but I always seem to find myself at these points of reflection. It's like standing in the very last subway car and looking out the window at the train station you are pulling away from. Life moves so quickly away from the past, but somehow the past still lingers...or holds on..or stretches...or something.
At this moment, I feel that struggles over the last few months have resulted in what I can only deem God-given clarity. Literally: God has shown me things in a perspective that I never would have deduced on my own. As my life has changed and continued to rotate, there are so many new and amazing people in it. So many new experiences and strangers who don't feel strange to me. Even the people who have traveled along with me out of the grip of the past are somehow new also.
I can remember feeling so rushed a month ago..in such a hurry for huge commitments and international moves and connection and closeness and now...I'm not in a rush. I feel like my life is in a tube on a slow moving river. The water is warm, the sun's not too hot and I'm enjoying a beer. For the first time I can remember, I want to revel in this time. This time of being an adult and understanding my limits and accepting that although where I am is different than where I should be, I am still happy. My biological clock has quieted down and there is no desperation to be Mrs. Someone's Wife and the mother of xx children.
I think the trade-off of being able to pick up and travel throughout Europe is more fulfilling than a supernatural bond I could have with someone who came from me. Experiences are ruling out over responsibility. I am so selfish in this time...and I think that's okay <3

5:21am

It's a strange day when you wake up from a dream about stabbing zombies in the head with a pair of garden shears. Feeling yourself slowly wake to the feeling that some crazy shit is just about to pop off. Just a dream...just a dream. Green skin and metal pieces pulled out of zombie brains. That stuff keeps you from getting back to sleep for sure. Good morning apprehension.

Then there's real life where people build an invisible wall between themselves and you because...I don't know why. Let me list the assumptions that rumble around in my head:
I'm not livin' right
I am not willing to listen to a message from God through them
I have a weakness for attention from guys (Really? What girl doesn't appreciate attention from guys...but a weakness? I don't think so.)
They can't talk to me because I get upset (I'm sorry that I don't just take your judgment as fact. I don't need that negativity in my life...thanks.)

Never thought it would be like this, but it is what it is. Friendship shouldn't be conditional - if you're my friend, then you'll do what I tell you to. Sorry..that's not how grown folks do things. If we're supposed to be like family, then it makes sense you would treat me this way. Given enough time everyone shows you their truth. If you know me, you know I'm not afraid of confrontation...and I feel some coming. This time all I'm afraid of is that I let the wrong people in.

Dear God

Not really sure what’s going on lately. I’m confused about you some days. I want to rebel, but I know that I’m already in too deep with obedience in this month-long assignment to turn back, so I push on. I change my way and resist the temptation of the patterns I used to use to make myself feel good, but all I feel is guilt and your disappointment over the few small things I didn’t do, rather than pride in overcoming the difficult battles. Am I wrong? Are my thoughts that bad? What is the point in resisting real temptation when I feel that I let you down by having tempted thoughts? I’m only human – is that not an excuse anymore? I just want to live for you and follow you, but I don’t hear you. I feel like you demand perfection when your Word says that you know I will fail and all I have to do is ask for forgiveness. I have asked, so why do I feel like I have a heart made of stone? I can tell I’ve made changes, but it feels like it’s just not enough for you. Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what you want me to do…you know I’ll do it! I feel distant from you and angry about it. I feel like I have in all my other relationships..I feel like I gave you my all and now you’re nowhere to be found or heard from. I know this isn’t the lesson you wanted to teach me, so what is? I don’t understand you, but I feel like it’s my fault. I didn’t ever think that it would come full circle with you. You were supposed to be different…not give me reminders of all the people who failed me. Not remind me of all the people who you are meant to replace for support. How do I lean on something I can’t feel right now?

Can I really change?

Struggling

This has been a weird week. You were the only one I wanted to talk to/hear from/connect with, but for some reason all these other guys came out of nowhere trying to get my attention. It's been rough these past 2 days. I feel good for the most part, but then one small thing happens and it rocks me. I lose that positive high and doubt creeps in. I pray on it..I talk to my other Christian friends, but that "blah" feeling keeps coming back. I know I'm a focal point for attack with the baptism coming up tomorrow evening; I guess I just wasn't expecting it. I feel far from God at times, but I don't think that's really the case. Maybe my perception is being clouded, but knowing that doesn't change the feeling of lonliness that creeps in sometimes. I know that these doubts and sad feelings are all a desperate attempt to get me away from God and that nothing can remove me from Him...I guess I could just use a little support from my Christian friend right now. I miss you.