Creating

I've been thinking alot about getting back into songwriting. Actually, I've been thinking about putting music to some of my lyrics...really just keyboard since that's the only instrument I think I could make sound somewhat decent with my lack of talent on a musical instrument :\ I haven't really put much thought into it past making noise with words and a keyboard. I write to intimately to honestly want to share my music on a grand scale...or maybe I could just compose and record my bare bones songs and copyright and sell them. I think it would be much easier to sing about someone else's pain. Ignorance is bliss, right?

A Bad Day

Do you ever have those days when it seems like you can't say anything right? You try to make healthy decisions for yourself only to hurt other people. You try to be truthful about what you have and have not done only to upset someone. You buy a new watch after continually being late for work thinking that will keep you from being late anymore even though you've been running late your whole life!

Have you ever read a book and wished you could just live there inside of it? That the feelings you experience within the story are more satisfying your feelings about real life. That the place where you are and the place where you wish to be are miles and time zones and life experiences apart.

Have you ever sacrificed your mental health to make life easier to handle for someone else? Then you learned that they wouldn't do that for you. You give and the take and you're the only one who sees the imbalance. You try not to ask for much, but when you do get the nerve to ask you will likely be rejected. The realization comes that if you aren't willing to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of the pair, then the pair will fall apart.

Do you ever feel like it's all too much? You don't want to carry the load anymore, so you drop all the boxes and block out the pain of failure. The pain of recognizing the truth. What I am doing right now is not healthy for me. When I leave this location, you will not come with me because you are too afraid to leave. This relationship will not become long-term no matter how much I want it, wish for it or pray for it to be. I am repeating the same patterns I have always repeated.

I miss myself. I miss who I want to be, but currently am not working towards becoming. I miss feeling content with my home and my life and my routine. The more of me I give to you, the more of me I lose from myself. We've always had so much trouble with balance - balance of time, priorities, responsibilities, sense of self, personal time. Maybe we're just not that good at "us".

Inspired by Glitter in the Air by P!nk

Have you ever realized that you may never be quite "worth it" to the person you're with? It hasn't been said, but you feel it...or you see it in their actions. The way they don't seem to have time for you anymore, the way they absent-mindedly go about their hurried business and don't notice you are still in the room when they turn out the light, or the way you've been sleeping in different rooms because you are on completely different sleep schedules. Sex has become a task that the requester doesn't seem to have any effort to contribute to. The connection is fading the way an old battery slowly dies. The presence of your partner no longer warms you like the sun, but rather fades you like an old photograph left outside. Independence has turned to loneliness within the boundaries of a relationship; not like the freedom it once was when you were single. Or maybe the pain is not from the loneliness, but from being taken for granted. Being silently told "You are good enough to give me what I want and need, but you are not good enough for me to return the favor." Your ears have learned to identify the truth when they hear it...empty promises. Is this resentment? Is this the start of the end? How did this all fall apart? Why does it feel like I am the only one trying? Perhaps my view is skewed and my jaded mind is seeing only what it wants, but how do you know when to try harder and when to just give up?

Restless

Do you ever get that unhappy feeling like where you are is not where you really want to be? I don't know exactly where I want to be. Actually, I do. I want to be where I feel happy. Some place where I have enough time for school and working out and me and friends and a job that doesn't leave me tired at the end of the day. How do I get to that place?! I'm definitely not there right now...that's for sure. Some days I think I would like to move to Hawaii next, then I think, no, I'll go back to the states. I would say I need a vacation, but the downside to vacations is that you always have to come back to whatever you needed a break from.
I feel like my life right now is not what I wanted it to be when I actually got to this point...unfortunately, I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting. "This" just doesn't feel right for right now. One of my girlfriends always tells me that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing...lucky for me that's my only choice right now.

30 really IS the new 20

For the past couple years I've been hearing about how 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30 and so on. I always kind of attributed this idea to science and chemistry and plastic surgery - as women, we all have the means to look 10 years younger than our real ages. Not to say that all women take advantage of these means, but most of us do. Personally, I use eye cream and a moisturizer almost every day.

The thing I didn't realize until today is that 30 is the new 20 in a societal way as well. I am 29 and am not married nor do I have any children. Mind you, I have had my days when I felt a loss because I lack these 2 things. Today, and even the past couple yesterdays, are not any of those days. I think about some of my closest girlfriends (6 specifically) and only one of them has a child...which was born when she was 33. We are independent, career-driven, fun-loving women. Women who vary in age, but we all have one thing in common - we are young-at-heart.

I was married once for 6 years. I got married when I was very young - 18. I didn't know myself yet and I had never given myself the time to figure out what I wanted in a partner or what I valued from someone else. Looking back, the relationship was never a good one - we never laid a foundation of friendship to support us through the rough times (and there were alot), so of course we became divided by years of blame and hurt. There was alot of control and abuse, which was mostly emotional, but at times threatened to become physical. I learned alot about myself and my strength from leaving that relationship. In a wierd way, that part of my life seems so long ago - like a past life.

I'll be 30 next July and I start to dread that number for a couple months after turning 29. Now it doesn't seem to bother me. It seems that I am the norm amongst women my age. It doesn't mean that I don't want to get married again one day or even that I don't want children - I do! I want a husband and family one day...I just feel lucky that I have more time to just be me.