I never understood..

I never understood how much I hurt you.
I never understood how much you loved me.
I never understood how destructive I was...angry...jaded...hateful...pessimistic...wrong.

You found a way to show me exactly how much I hurt you and now that I understand, all I can feel is your pain. My defenses have fallen away. My pride has disappeared. The anger is gone - I can't hold it or pretend to be justified with this new understanding of your pain. I can't explain how I've come to understand this except through God. Only He knew that I would now be at this point in my life and be capable of understanding your side of our past. He led me through my pride issues. He taught me what real love is. He is holding my hand as I experience this situation of the past merging with the present. I never could have gotten here on my own. Although it will never be enough, I'm so sorry that I broke your heart.

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Wait...they don't love you like I love you..

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Walking contradiction..
Most girls get bitten by the love bug and it's all downhill. Butterflies, roses, her last name + his last name, hours on the phone, blah, blah, blah.
Not me..I get bitten, but not by the love bug. By the loneliness bug. It's cyclical..every once in a while someone says something or I experience some failed connection with a man and it all goes downhill. It's always a culmination of things. This time was a regret-filled failed interaction with someone who didn't even deserve my time in the first place. Such a pleaser...always looking for approval, silly girl. The aftermath is this awkward space of anger as a result of my rejection with a side of spite. Okay, a extra value meal upgrade of spite (not Sprite). Given enough time, everyone shows you their true colors. This person's true color happens to be shit..lesson learned.
My mom also called the other day talking about how all of her friends are becoming grandmothers. The conversations was peppered with phrases like "you still have lots of time" and "I keep praying so God will send you someone" or my favorite, "you can always adopt like Angelina Jolie." Sigh. Yeah.