Dear God

Not really sure what’s going on lately. I’m confused about you some days. I want to rebel, but I know that I’m already in too deep with obedience in this month-long assignment to turn back, so I push on. I change my way and resist the temptation of the patterns I used to use to make myself feel good, but all I feel is guilt and your disappointment over the few small things I didn’t do, rather than pride in overcoming the difficult battles. Am I wrong? Are my thoughts that bad? What is the point in resisting real temptation when I feel that I let you down by having tempted thoughts? I’m only human – is that not an excuse anymore? I just want to live for you and follow you, but I don’t hear you. I feel like you demand perfection when your Word says that you know I will fail and all I have to do is ask for forgiveness. I have asked, so why do I feel like I have a heart made of stone? I can tell I’ve made changes, but it feels like it’s just not enough for you. Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what you want me to do…you know I’ll do it! I feel distant from you and angry about it. I feel like I have in all my other relationships..I feel like I gave you my all and now you’re nowhere to be found or heard from. I know this isn’t the lesson you wanted to teach me, so what is? I don’t understand you, but I feel like it’s my fault. I didn’t ever think that it would come full circle with you. You were supposed to be different…not give me reminders of all the people who failed me. Not remind me of all the people who you are meant to replace for support. How do I lean on something I can’t feel right now?

Can I really change?

Struggling

This has been a weird week. You were the only one I wanted to talk to/hear from/connect with, but for some reason all these other guys came out of nowhere trying to get my attention. It's been rough these past 2 days. I feel good for the most part, but then one small thing happens and it rocks me. I lose that positive high and doubt creeps in. I pray on it..I talk to my other Christian friends, but that "blah" feeling keeps coming back. I know I'm a focal point for attack with the baptism coming up tomorrow evening; I guess I just wasn't expecting it. I feel far from God at times, but I don't think that's really the case. Maybe my perception is being clouded, but knowing that doesn't change the feeling of lonliness that creeps in sometimes. I know that these doubts and sad feelings are all a desperate attempt to get me away from God and that nothing can remove me from Him...I guess I could just use a little support from my Christian friend right now. I miss you.