Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Creating
I've been thinking alot about getting back into songwriting. Actually, I've been thinking about putting music to some of my lyrics...really just keyboard since that's the only instrument I think I could make sound somewhat decent with my lack of talent on a musical instrument :\ I haven't really put much thought into it past making noise with words and a keyboard. I write to intimately to honestly want to share my music on a grand scale...or maybe I could just compose and record my bare bones songs and copyright and sell them. I think it would be much easier to sing about someone else's pain. Ignorance is bliss, right?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
A Bad Day
Do you ever have those days when it seems like you can't say anything right? You try to make healthy decisions for yourself only to hurt other people. You try to be truthful about what you have and have not done only to upset someone. You buy a new watch after continually being late for work thinking that will keep you from being late anymore even though you've been running late your whole life!
Have you ever read a book and wished you could just live there inside of it? That the feelings you experience within the story are more satisfying your feelings about real life. That the place where you are and the place where you wish to be are miles and time zones and life experiences apart.
Have you ever sacrificed your mental health to make life easier to handle for someone else? Then you learned that they wouldn't do that for you. You give and the take and you're the only one who sees the imbalance. You try not to ask for much, but when you do get the nerve to ask you will likely be rejected. The realization comes that if you aren't willing to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of the pair, then the pair will fall apart.
Do you ever feel like it's all too much? You don't want to carry the load anymore, so you drop all the boxes and block out the pain of failure. The pain of recognizing the truth. What I am doing right now is not healthy for me. When I leave this location, you will not come with me because you are too afraid to leave. This relationship will not become long-term no matter how much I want it, wish for it or pray for it to be. I am repeating the same patterns I have always repeated.
I miss myself. I miss who I want to be, but currently am not working towards becoming. I miss feeling content with my home and my life and my routine. The more of me I give to you, the more of me I lose from myself. We've always had so much trouble with balance - balance of time, priorities, responsibilities, sense of self, personal time. Maybe we're just not that good at "us".
Have you ever read a book and wished you could just live there inside of it? That the feelings you experience within the story are more satisfying your feelings about real life. That the place where you are and the place where you wish to be are miles and time zones and life experiences apart.
Have you ever sacrificed your mental health to make life easier to handle for someone else? Then you learned that they wouldn't do that for you. You give and the take and you're the only one who sees the imbalance. You try not to ask for much, but when you do get the nerve to ask you will likely be rejected. The realization comes that if you aren't willing to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of the pair, then the pair will fall apart.
Do you ever feel like it's all too much? You don't want to carry the load anymore, so you drop all the boxes and block out the pain of failure. The pain of recognizing the truth. What I am doing right now is not healthy for me. When I leave this location, you will not come with me because you are too afraid to leave. This relationship will not become long-term no matter how much I want it, wish for it or pray for it to be. I am repeating the same patterns I have always repeated.
I miss myself. I miss who I want to be, but currently am not working towards becoming. I miss feeling content with my home and my life and my routine. The more of me I give to you, the more of me I lose from myself. We've always had so much trouble with balance - balance of time, priorities, responsibilities, sense of self, personal time. Maybe we're just not that good at "us".
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