Dreams Dreams Dreams

I had 2 really weird dreams this morning. The first one woke me up at 7am...along with the sun peeking through my rolladens. It was about vampires I think...and TJ Thyne was one and he was trying to kill me in this dream. He's the actor from the show Bones with the really curly hair and he analyzes dirt and particulates. Anyway. The part I remember the most is that I was in some abandoned high rise building and I was trying to get out of it so I thought that I would take the fire exit and just hurry my way down a billion flights of stairs. I know in the movies they always seem to go up instead of down, but that totally didn't make sense to me in the dream. So I go out in the fire exit and I look down and vampire TJ is there listening. You know when you can tell someone is just listening to what's going on around them. They don't move their head or body very much and there head is kind of cocked so that their dominant ear is kind of sticking out. I remember his hair was short but all crazy and disheveled. I looked kind of dirty too and when he heard me and looked up his face was all dirty too. He didn't look all movie vampire; his face didn't distort into some scary monster face and his eyes didn't change color, but he did have the fangs and he made some weird hissing growling noise.
So then I freak out and run back in the door. I notice it has a deadbolt so I figure I'll try to use it to buy myself a little time, but I can't get the door shut all the way. I keep pulling it closed and turning the lock but all 3 times the doors not fully closed. I keep testing it by pushing it open and realizing that I didn't close it hard enough.
There's a little glass window near the top of the door and I can see him coming up the stairs so I just decide "Screw it..my ass is out of here!" I turn around and I see a very pale and large woman with red hair in front of me. She kind of has a barrel chest and is wearing some kind of wine/burgundy color velvet dress with other lace and sparkly stuff on it. I remember she had very small facial features too. I, personally, don't know who she was, but dream me was super relieved. She looked kind of upset when she saw me, but I just cried and she opened her arms to hug me and then hid me behind he and the door opened. I don't remember anything else, but I was kinda shaken when I woke up. Times like this living alone kinda sucks.
The second dream I had started out in my apartment, except for instead of it being on the ground level, it was in some high rise. I remember going to the window...it was small like the kitchen window, but I wasn't in the kitchen..or maybe I was in my bedroom, I don't know. So, I look out the window and all I see is snow and trees lining the back yard, except the snow is all the way up the trees to the point that I can only see branches sprouting out. I can't believe that this much snow happenened!! What about the people on the lower floors, is everyone okay, what the hell is going on?!
I go to leave and then when I enter the living room, I realize this isn't even my apartment and I don't really know how I got here. I wander around and find Nathaniel (a guy I work with) and he's working on something metal..probably a computer part or something. He's sitting on a bar stool kind of chair and has his foot up on this counter/bench. He doesn't say anything when I walk in so I figure I'm supposed to be there. Then some people come through the front door and it's my friends John & Julia. They are kind of frantic and are gathering up parts and metal pieces and talking to Nathaniel about repairs and stuff and then Lindsay (Nathaniel's wife) comes in and just listens. When John & Julia start to leave, Lindsay leaves too and goes into an apartment across the hall and closes the door. As much as I can figure (now or during the dream) is that Lindsay was watching hers and John & Julia's baby and that I was supposed to be working on repairing stuff with Nathaniel. I go back into the bedroom to see how the snow is and a bunch of tree branches have been piled on top of snow and it's melting..kind of wierd. I don't remember anything else about this dream so I'm not sure if the next dream was separate, or if this dream flowed into the next.
I was in a great big hall and there were all these beds set up with book cases organized so that they kind of separated the beds. On the far right there was a huge dining table with silverware and glasses all set up for a formal dinner. I remember the hall had a soft yellow/cream glow to it and the ceilings were very high and at some points kind of rounded like there were small caps on the outside of the roof. The book cases were very dark wood and there was a burgundy colored cloth there...maybe the curtains or the bedding. I think there were nurses there wearing traditional nurse dresses and the little hats and white shoes with big soles. I was there in my uniform for some reason and I went over to one of the beds. I think it was my great Grandma Betty. She had a handkerchief over her hair or a very tight skull cap on that was light blue or white. She looked different...almost like Mother Teresa in a way, but I felt like it was her. I kept asking her if she wanted me to bring things from home and in a very roundabout way she told me that she didn't have a home/wasn't going home because she was going to die soon. She told me all this while we were both kneeling on the floor on opposites sides of her bed. It had that blue blanket that is kind of a cottony-wool that gets all those fuzzballs all over it when you wash it. It has the satin trim at the top of the blanket. After she told me this, she got up on the bed and we laid next to each other and I held her so that her head was on my shoulder. I asked her if she was okay or scared to die, but she was just sad. Then a bell rang and I got up. I went over to the dinner table to get a tray to put the plates, glass and silverware on. I took the tray over to her bookcase and set it there untilt he food came. As I put the tray down I hear yelling behind me. I turn around and it's someone else..I can't remember if she looks the same, but the person/spirit/whatever is totally different and I know just who it is...my mom. She yelling about how I put the tray in the wrong place or that she doesn't want to eat what they're serving or some kind of complaining. Then my alarm goes off.
I know...wierd, huh?

Past genetic life

In the hole of my despair I came to understand this dark shadow over me. Mine has been an easy life..this tragedy and pain I have felt is an inheritance of a very difficult life before mine.

Being Alright

It's been a long time since I've lived alone. It's kind of weird. I enjoy my quiet time, but I'm not yet at that point where I can really sit with the quiet. Just not feeling that brave yet. I've always got the TV on. I've been painting alot. Some things unplanned, some things thought out. Learning new techniques and mixing my own colors..it's been fun.
I often wonder how long it will take me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have come to accept alot of hard things about my life. I'm not where I thought I would be at almost 30, but if someone were to ask me where I wanted to be if I could change things, I'm not sure where that would be. Some days I envy women with children and happy marriages and other days I don't understand marriage at all. Despite being married once before, I really feel like I don't understand marriage at all. How does one logically figure out who they want to be married to? I'm a heart over mind person...and my heart gets attached easily. I have a friend who is really into astrology, like me, and she used to tease me and call me her "little Cancer". She would tease me about becoming so easily attached to people and things. She would hold up an inanimate object and say "Oh telephone, I love you...don't ever leave me!" We would laugh, but yeah...that's me :)
I dunno..too much thinking maybe. One day at a time, that's all I can do towards being alright.

How did I get here?

The worst kind of lost is when you think you know where you're going only to realize that you have been lost for the last 6 turns you've made. Now you can't remember which direction you were turning so how do you find your way back?

Unreachable
-John Frusciante

Are we down for the same cause?
We don't know what we stand for
With the moment start to crack
You do lose track where your head's at
And I am unreachable
Do you think when your head's full?
We don't rely on what we get
We begin now where we aren't yet
Ay!
One time, hit me where I turn wide
I don't mean to be polite
Uniform
Spinning the world to the beat of my drum
Uniform
One time, hit me where I turn wide
I don't mean to be polite
Uniform
Spinning the world to the beat of my drum
Uniform
Reach into the darkness for what you can find
Travel great distance in your mind
The world gets stronger as you start trying things
Turn around towards being born, away from dying
I've run out again on this, the one on my side
We to disappear, well, I know I've tried
You know we've tried, you know we've tried
Hey, too bad
Hey, too bad
Too bad, too bad
Hey...Ohhhh

Creating

I've been thinking alot about getting back into songwriting. Actually, I've been thinking about putting music to some of my lyrics...really just keyboard since that's the only instrument I think I could make sound somewhat decent with my lack of talent on a musical instrument :\ I haven't really put much thought into it past making noise with words and a keyboard. I write to intimately to honestly want to share my music on a grand scale...or maybe I could just compose and record my bare bones songs and copyright and sell them. I think it would be much easier to sing about someone else's pain. Ignorance is bliss, right?

A Bad Day

Do you ever have those days when it seems like you can't say anything right? You try to make healthy decisions for yourself only to hurt other people. You try to be truthful about what you have and have not done only to upset someone. You buy a new watch after continually being late for work thinking that will keep you from being late anymore even though you've been running late your whole life!

Have you ever read a book and wished you could just live there inside of it? That the feelings you experience within the story are more satisfying your feelings about real life. That the place where you are and the place where you wish to be are miles and time zones and life experiences apart.

Have you ever sacrificed your mental health to make life easier to handle for someone else? Then you learned that they wouldn't do that for you. You give and the take and you're the only one who sees the imbalance. You try not to ask for much, but when you do get the nerve to ask you will likely be rejected. The realization comes that if you aren't willing to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of the pair, then the pair will fall apart.

Do you ever feel like it's all too much? You don't want to carry the load anymore, so you drop all the boxes and block out the pain of failure. The pain of recognizing the truth. What I am doing right now is not healthy for me. When I leave this location, you will not come with me because you are too afraid to leave. This relationship will not become long-term no matter how much I want it, wish for it or pray for it to be. I am repeating the same patterns I have always repeated.

I miss myself. I miss who I want to be, but currently am not working towards becoming. I miss feeling content with my home and my life and my routine. The more of me I give to you, the more of me I lose from myself. We've always had so much trouble with balance - balance of time, priorities, responsibilities, sense of self, personal time. Maybe we're just not that good at "us".

Inspired by Glitter in the Air by P!nk

Have you ever realized that you may never be quite "worth it" to the person you're with? It hasn't been said, but you feel it...or you see it in their actions. The way they don't seem to have time for you anymore, the way they absent-mindedly go about their hurried business and don't notice you are still in the room when they turn out the light, or the way you've been sleeping in different rooms because you are on completely different sleep schedules. Sex has become a task that the requester doesn't seem to have any effort to contribute to. The connection is fading the way an old battery slowly dies. The presence of your partner no longer warms you like the sun, but rather fades you like an old photograph left outside. Independence has turned to loneliness within the boundaries of a relationship; not like the freedom it once was when you were single. Or maybe the pain is not from the loneliness, but from being taken for granted. Being silently told "You are good enough to give me what I want and need, but you are not good enough for me to return the favor." Your ears have learned to identify the truth when they hear it...empty promises. Is this resentment? Is this the start of the end? How did this all fall apart? Why does it feel like I am the only one trying? Perhaps my view is skewed and my jaded mind is seeing only what it wants, but how do you know when to try harder and when to just give up?